Static//Clarity

A moment ago, I tried to decide what I was thinking about, and the answer my mind gave was a million voices talking at once. I've had days like this before; when I tried to look into my mind and all I got was static like on a tv. I hate this. It makes me feel lost, even within myself.
And I'm frustrated, because today had the potential to be good, and actually most of it was.
But, things happen and moods change, unfortunately. Especially when one is as easily affected by the moods of those around me as I am.

But tonight is a nice night. We have the door open and it's thunderstorming quietly outside and it's perfectly comfortable in my chair in the family room. So, I want to talk about nice things, because I hate that this blog I wanted to make all cool is turning out to be an occasional rant-fest (though I do appreciate the released steam and I do try to infuse something positive in as well).

The reason for my current discomfort mentally is that I feel like I'm not in control of my own life, and like I must relinquish even more control to make headway towards being able to control it (namely financially, but also in dealing with my parents). Which is life I guess; you give to get. But, I just feel like even now I'm not in a good place mentally to be dealing with all this and to make myself give up more control. I'm still adrift in my little sea of lost thoughts and unanswered questions, and I don't see my dove returning with an olive branch just yet.
But life is still happening around me. People are going on with their lives and jobs and friends and trips and time is still passing.
But as I said in my last post, it feels like I'm a rock in a stream, in all this.
And that is in no way how I want to live my life. I want to be actively involved, all the time.

So, while I had hoped for more time to sort out my mind, I suppose I'll have to just work with what I'm given, and start slowly on the road to recovery and growth. If anyone else is going through this too, I reach out my hand to you, because I know you (and I) could always use another friend in this process.
Today, instead of my usual rant and hope for a better future, I've decided to make myself an actual plan with actual steps (as broad or concise as I need them to be), that I will try to accomplish for myself this summer.
Now, I'm not usually one for lists and crossing things off of them, because, it just isn't usually helpful to me. So, I'm going to try to make a list that doesn't seem too daunting for me and the other non-listers out there.

My Accomplishments Made in Summer '13

(at side, include boxes for check marks next to all accomplishments, or whatever suits your style)

• Read at least 3 new titles or authors
• Log 12 miles each week (May-June), Log 15 miles each week (July-August)
• Save half of all I earn, no questions asked
• Drink a glass of water before each meal, and 3 more each day than usual (4 by July)
• Continue my journal from Spanish class weekly
• Get outside rain or shine every day
• Figure out a meaningful job that I could enjoy, and get it by the end of May
• CLEAN OUT MY CLOTHES AND ROOMS OF JUNK
• Look into school things for next year, like my classes and studying abroad
• Limit internet/TV to 3 hours a day total
• Teach myself the ability of my choice:________________ (ex: a language, how to knit, a painting style, etc.)

• Visit 3 new places and truly explore them

 

Now, of course my list is personal, and maybe not even as long as I'd like it in the future, but for now it's good and I'm happy with it and feel like I can accomplish everything on it. I know that setting small goals is the key towards accomplishing big ones, so now I'm on the road to finally following my own advice. Happy Summer and good luck! 

P.S. I just glanced up at my original title ("Static") and realized that my mind felt a whole lot calmer and better organized. So it needed updating. Sorted. (: