Since I'm usually pretty crap at
following my own advice, I'm going to do my AYP right here, right now,
while I'm not studying for that quiz tomorrow anyway.
I
am here. I am living at home, commuting to a college that I feel very
neutrally about. I get to be with my family, but they're living their
own lives as well as me, and I have to drive my younger sister around
too much of the time. I spend much of my day alone, sometimes in
silence. I am very chatty once I know people, or even sometimes before,
so this really pains me a lot, maybe more than most others. I am half
introverted, half extroverted, so I really like to talk to people and
lately I'm always the first to introduce myself, but sometimes I also do
like to be alone, though usually that's when I'm at home, not at
school. I procrastinate far too much, so even easy homework gets pushed
late. I'm also a packrat, though lately I'm beginning to hate
clutter...even though I still can't throw it out (what if I'll need it
some day???). I try to draw every once and a while to stay creative, and
it helps, and I think I'm getting better, but I'd love to do it more.
Last year I literally lived on Netflix, this year it's Youtube. I feel
like I could be a better person than I'm being. I also feel that being
silent so often helps me to observe others better, but also that it's
making me really judgy, and I don't want to be like that, but that
probably came from being super trusting in the past. I miss my best
friends like crazy, and they've only been gone two weeks this time. We
feel like sisters now, we're so comfortable around each other, and
that's what I miss the most on my lonely days. I am not entirely
positive on what I want to do with myself, though I have it pretty
nailed down to something in language. I also keep feeling like art keeps
nudging me too, but I'm not sure what I'll do with that thought yet. I
want a change of scenery, even though I really do love this area and all
its beauty.
The
decisions that led me to here. Well, first it was deciding to only
apply to schools that were very expensive, very far from home, and VERY
hard to get into. I am a relatively normal person, college application
wise, so this was a bold move for me...and it did not come to fruition.
(I know I've told this sob story before, but please indulge me one more
time, for the sake of this exercise!) Then, when I didn't get it, I let
myself completely fall apart, and I lost a lot of faith in my abilities.
In desperation (it was already late March when I found out, and most
dates closed on April 1st or so), I applied to a local branch school
which I had visited a few times through high school and liked all right,
and I tried to apply to a school a few hours away in a town that I
really liked (sadly, there are two schools with almost identical names,
and I chose the wrong one on Common App, though that was probably a sign
that I was not meant to go there, because that school was not for me,
haha). I greatly considered taking a gap year, but this idea was shot
down by my parents, many times. Finally, a week or so later, I was
accepted to the local branch college, and, honestly I didn't want to
have to walk across the stage at graduation without saying "attending
this college for so-and-so major," and with the encouragement of my
parents, I registered for classes, and I had a college. Then, when asked
whether I wanted to study creative writing or environmental science, I
picked science because it sounded more stable to me, an AP science kid
who spent most of my time with kids who were going into engineering or
the medical field. I tried to study it, but biology is just not for me,
and I gave up on it pretty quickly into that semester. But, I kept on at
college, even as failing tests and making few to no new friends took a
severe hit on my usually cheerful personality. Whenever people asked, I
put on a half-smiling face and said college was all right. But, I let
myself get really, really down. I got sucked into tv series on Netflix
(don't get me wrong, I loved watching all that Doctor Who and Say Yes to
the Dress) and spent most of my time on the couch. I wasn't the old me,
and I wasn't happy. Even this past summer, I went on a college visit or
two, but it felt fake, I still didn't feel like this was my future I
was planning. But, I did make progress on my happiness, and learned to
live more in the moment, as I said before (: Now, finally, I feel like
I'm closer to believing that I can truly make my own future, like I can
really go wherever I want to go, that stupid obstacles really don't mean
anything.
For
the future: I want to live in a city. I don't know where yet, maybe New
York City? I don't care how far away I go, because I know that I can
come home, and that they can get on without me here. I also want to go
abroad again. Maybe somewhere different: I'm looking at you, France,
Spain. Maybe somewhere I've been: England, Ireland, Scotland. I want a
life filled with beauty. I want to dress in the clothes/styles I dream
about (I'm working on this one already). I want to keep the happiness I
feel each morning through to when I go to sleep at night. I want to make
friends every where I go, to meet strangers and become family. I want
to see all the world. I want someone to share my life with, someone to
care for and someone who cares for me. I want to find out the truths of
life, and to share them with the people around me, the world around me,
in whatever I choose to do with myself. I want to live a happy life.
