And So She Did

It's funny, they say that with age comes wisdom. However, at a few short days from turning 19, I have mixed feelings about this statement.
Sure, I'm more fiscally wise now, and I think more before making decisions, but both of those things may be less beneficial than I thought. For instance, and I hate to admit this, I feel that I can't speak my mind anymore. You reading these posts already know more about my future hopes/plans than many of the people I know. And I find that kind of crazy. Lately, whenever I'm asked about my future, I get embarrassed, laugh, shrug, and say I'm not really sure. I don't say: "I'm not sure, but I don't want to stay where I am," "I want to change my major to something frivolous that I really love, and for that to be okay," I also want to find a dependable major that I could love doing every day, and I'm trying to work out in my mind what that could be," "I want to move away and actually make friends and have a good time in college," "I feel like I can't leave home because my family needs me," "I feel like I've let go of my dreams, and now I can't believe in them anymore," "I need help."
Now, not all of these things are that hard to say, and actually saying my current plans (looking into geoscience or speech pathology and language and looking for places to transfer) doesn't really sound that hard either. So why can't I make the words come out of my mouth?
Actually realizing that I'm afraid to say what I think has been rough to accept, but boy do I feel better for it now. Last night, my cousin asked me what I'd been up to (I haven't seen him in ages and I miss him!) and how school was, and--I actually told him my feelings and plans. And (of course), he said that my plans sounded really interesting and good, and he wished me luck. Now, was that really so hard, Jane? I realized that, in fact, it wasn't.
Now, this isn't stemming simply from the personal crisis I had this year, but also from my ideas. I'm not the average 18 year old. I have dreams of science, art, travel, history, etc. My ideas do not quite fit into the usual mold, and so, in the past, when people asked me what I wanted to do with myself and I said proudly, "Archaeology," I would often get weird looks and raised eyebrows. However, I used to have this amazing ability to shrug off the nonbelievers and remain happily focused on my goal. Where has that gone? When did I suddenly become so worried about what other people thought? I have a feeling that it has to do with the fact that I ended up at a school mainly for engineering and business at which I barely even had opportunities to study those more far-out subjects that I so enjoyed. So, being somewhere where all the people (mainly, you'd think) have something in common, I became embarrassed of standing out, especially since I didn't seem to fit in anyway.
However, talking to my cousin and just thinking about the whole thing in general has helped me to put new confidence in myself and my ideas, and I feel much better about the whole thing (: Because honestly, I'm living my life, and so I need to make choices that keep me happy, and the people around me can't help me to do that if they don't know what I want. It's okay to be a little selfish, I'm realizing, so long as it's for a beneficial reason.

In other news, tomorrow's December and I'm so excited!!! It's my favorite month, and I've had holiday Pandora on for days to accompany the tree in the front hall :) I hope you all have a wonderful day, and don't ever be afraid to be yourself!

Under Pressure

Ya know, it's funny how one little question can change so much.
The other night, my older sister texted me out of the blue and asked me "Are you happy?" She meant this in an overall-in-life way. I thought and gave her a relatively affirmative answer, and, satisfied, she moved on with her life. However, this question struck me deeply and made me really think: Am I happy? The more I thought about it (and continue to think about it), the more I realized how much I would have done differently over the past year or so, had I the chance. And that is no way to live.

If you've read all my posts, you know bits of this story, but here's the bottom line:
One year ago, I was excitingly sending in applications to three top-of-the-line schools (the closest about 3 hours away, the farthest about 9) which each cost around $50,000 a year. I was excited to branch out and be able to find exciting new friends and have new adventures. Despite naysayers and realists, I was excited to pursue my dreams of studying archaeology and journalism, with the goal of one day working for a magazine like National Geographic, which is one of my very favorites. Though already somewhat humbled, good scores on AP tests and the SATs gave me great confidence in my ability to go to these schools.
Fast forward to today: I'm at home, going to a local branch college of a university that I have very neutral feelings towards. I do not have a solid major plan in line, and I can't seem to make a decision for the pressure I feel being put on me by just about every adult (it seems). I have made absolutely no new friends at school (though I have become closer with some previous school friends). When my friends got excited to share their adventures at our reunion tonight, I realized that I had not one real exciting story to tell about school. Instead of feeling calm at home, I feel restless and dissatisfied and like I don't have the time or means for rest right now. So, every time I take time out for me, I feel guilty, and if I don't I feel unhappy. Despite having a tuition bill of just around $1200 and so not currently having any debt, I have no money for me because my job is slow, I've been unable to work a lot lately, and I didn't make a lot over the summer. Since I am 18 and graduated, I'm supposed to be living by my own schedule, but instead it seems even worse because I'm still on the exact schedule because of having to drive my little sister around everywhere. I feel like my parents want to keep me home for the convenience of having me home and being a second/third parent (and of course also because they love me). I feel like staying at home, even just for this long, has gotten me so stuck in a rut that the thought of being here for another year just scares me. I'm looking at other schools, but because I'm still not sure what I'm doing, even that seems less friendly and open than a year ago. I feel like I'm in a dark room, fumbling around trying to find a lightswitch, but I can't even find the walls yet. And it's terrible. I'm so sick of this in-between feeling that hasn't gone away with the coming of college. I'm supposed to be enjoying every day of my life, but instead they're just..passing. And if you knew me personally, it would probably scare you to hear that statement, because that is not how I am as a person nor how I usually live my life.
Well, they say the first step to solving a problem is acknowledgement, so, there ya go: I'm not currently happy. I've got a lot to change, and hopefully I can gain some clarity soon and sort out the mess inside my brain.
Anywho, I'm so glad to finally see my best friends again tonight, my whole family for Thanksgiving, and everyone from my extended home family to go pick out our Christmas tree on Friday :) :)
I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and I encourage you find something you're thankful for, not just on Thanksgiving, but every day, because I promise you, there is always something good, always something to appreciate :)

TGIF

Well hello! .....again. I apologize, I really was going to be more regular about this, I swear! Ah well, at least I'm on again. And, glad to say, I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere in the quest to figure out what I'm gonna do with myself!
For starters, I want to say how I finally did something big for myself recently, and it was great: I drove to and visited my best friend at her awesome college! This was a big deal because: a) it was like 2.5 hours away, and I'd never driven that far solo on an unfamiliar route before, b) I miss herrrrrr, c) it was relatively expensive to do so, and I finally had enough money in the bank to accommodate a trip of this kind, and d) I finally got to be on a real college-y campus and experience college life!! Oh, it was great, I loved it. She's on a very idyllic campus and everyone was so friendly and awesome and I loved the atmosphere.
So, being on a nice campus and seeing what life is like made me really think seriously about my situation, and motivated me to actually look into switching my major and/or schools. So, today's the big day that I change my major! In looking at my friend's college, I found a few things that I hadn't seriously thought about before--neurology and speech pathology--that interested me, as well as (!!) the one I was planning on switching to anyway: geology! (I'll keep neurology and sp in the back of my mind for now (I've been very interested in the brain lately), and see how I feel about them in a few months or so) Needless to say, I was psyched, and the fact that I had another option for a school later on to switch to really motivated me to solidify my thoughts. So, today, I'll be seeing my adviser in the afternoon to make the switch once and for all, and be rid of environmental science!
The fact of the matter is, changing a major is a drastic change to make, as it could cost time and money. However, it seems that my classes I'm already taking will at least mostly count for geology, which is good.
Changing my major to this is also drastic because, my school being a branch campus, I can't finish it here at home. So by changing it and sticking with it, I am deciding that I will have to switch schools by junior year, which is scary. However, I am doing college right by living at home and going to cheaply, so really, I'm pretty well off. After years of being scared by the idea of debt, I'm finally taking the leap--just in an educated way. With the knowledge I have now, I won't go to a school that is insanely expensive unless I have tons of aid, and I'll have time to do adequate research before I do any switch.
So, this is a huge step for me on the journey to having the life I dream about, and I'm so happy about it! :)

In other news, it is time for me to find another job, and quick. Now, I love the people at my current job, but I don't like the actual job, the restaurant is slow so I don't get many hours in the limited amount of time that I can work, and I've had to request off a lot lately anyway.
So, probably this weekend, I'm planning on going around on a job-search/applying frenzy, in order to have myself on the offering plate before all those kids return from college for Thanksgiving and snatch up the good jobs! I want to find a job that I'm excited to go to and that will be interesting. Fingers crossed I find a good one this weekend!
Can anyone believe how fast this semester is going by? I sure can't. It's already November 9th! So, I'm trying to take more time for myself each day, and so far it's going well :)
For example, since one of my classes was cancelled today, I'm gonna finally work out, take a nice long shower, do some studying for Monday (I work ahead now! it's so weird haha), make myself a nice lunch, go to class, meet with my adviser to change my major, and then have a night at home and probably watch some stuff on Netflix (I've recently (finally) really started to get into Doctor Who, and I'm on the second season and love it!).
Also, anyone else just loving this crisp, cold fall air? It's the best!

I hope you're all well and you're having a lovely Friday! :)