Sure, I'm more fiscally wise now, and I think more before making decisions, but both of those things may be less beneficial than I thought. For instance, and I hate to admit this, I feel that I can't speak my mind anymore. You reading these posts already know more about my future hopes/plans than many of the people I know. And I find that kind of crazy. Lately, whenever I'm asked about my future, I get embarrassed, laugh, shrug, and say I'm not really sure. I don't say: "I'm not sure, but I don't want to stay where I am," "I want to change my major to something frivolous that I really love, and for that to be okay," I also want to find a dependable major that I could love doing every day, and I'm trying to work out in my mind what that could be," "I want to move away and actually make friends and have a good time in college," "I feel like I can't leave home because my family needs me," "I feel like I've let go of my dreams, and now I can't believe in them anymore," "I need help."
Now, not all of these things are that hard to say, and actually saying my current plans (looking into geoscience or speech pathology and language and looking for places to transfer) doesn't really sound that hard either. So why can't I make the words come out of my mouth?
Actually realizing that I'm afraid to say what I think has been rough to accept, but boy do I feel better for it now. Last night, my cousin asked me what I'd been up to (I haven't seen him in ages and I miss him!) and how school was, and--I actually told him my feelings and plans. And (of course), he said that my plans sounded really interesting and good, and he wished me luck. Now, was that really so hard, Jane? I realized that, in fact, it wasn't.
Now, this isn't stemming simply from the personal crisis I had this year, but also from my ideas. I'm not the average 18 year old. I have dreams of science, art, travel, history, etc. My ideas do not quite fit into the usual mold, and so, in the past, when people asked me what I wanted to do with myself and I said proudly, "Archaeology," I would often get weird looks and raised eyebrows. However, I used to have this amazing ability to shrug off the nonbelievers and remain happily focused on my goal. Where has that gone? When did I suddenly become so worried about what other people thought? I have a feeling that it has to do with the fact that I ended up at a school mainly for engineering and business at which I barely even had opportunities to study those more far-out subjects that I so enjoyed. So, being somewhere where all the people (mainly, you'd think) have something in common, I became embarrassed of standing out, especially since I didn't seem to fit in anyway.
However, talking to my cousin and just thinking about the whole thing in general has helped me to put new confidence in myself and my ideas, and I feel much better about the whole thing (: Because honestly, I'm living my life, and so I need to make choices that keep me happy, and the people around me can't help me to do that if they don't know what I want. It's okay to be a little selfish, I'm realizing, so long as it's for a beneficial reason.
In other news, tomorrow's December and I'm so excited!!! It's my favorite month, and I've had holiday Pandora on for days to accompany the tree in the front hall :) I hope you all have a wonderful day, and don't ever be afraid to be yourself!
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