Under Pressure

Ya know, it's funny how one little question can change so much.
The other night, my older sister texted me out of the blue and asked me "Are you happy?" She meant this in an overall-in-life way. I thought and gave her a relatively affirmative answer, and, satisfied, she moved on with her life. However, this question struck me deeply and made me really think: Am I happy? The more I thought about it (and continue to think about it), the more I realized how much I would have done differently over the past year or so, had I the chance. And that is no way to live.

If you've read all my posts, you know bits of this story, but here's the bottom line:
One year ago, I was excitingly sending in applications to three top-of-the-line schools (the closest about 3 hours away, the farthest about 9) which each cost around $50,000 a year. I was excited to branch out and be able to find exciting new friends and have new adventures. Despite naysayers and realists, I was excited to pursue my dreams of studying archaeology and journalism, with the goal of one day working for a magazine like National Geographic, which is one of my very favorites. Though already somewhat humbled, good scores on AP tests and the SATs gave me great confidence in my ability to go to these schools.
Fast forward to today: I'm at home, going to a local branch college of a university that I have very neutral feelings towards. I do not have a solid major plan in line, and I can't seem to make a decision for the pressure I feel being put on me by just about every adult (it seems). I have made absolutely no new friends at school (though I have become closer with some previous school friends). When my friends got excited to share their adventures at our reunion tonight, I realized that I had not one real exciting story to tell about school. Instead of feeling calm at home, I feel restless and dissatisfied and like I don't have the time or means for rest right now. So, every time I take time out for me, I feel guilty, and if I don't I feel unhappy. Despite having a tuition bill of just around $1200 and so not currently having any debt, I have no money for me because my job is slow, I've been unable to work a lot lately, and I didn't make a lot over the summer. Since I am 18 and graduated, I'm supposed to be living by my own schedule, but instead it seems even worse because I'm still on the exact schedule because of having to drive my little sister around everywhere. I feel like my parents want to keep me home for the convenience of having me home and being a second/third parent (and of course also because they love me). I feel like staying at home, even just for this long, has gotten me so stuck in a rut that the thought of being here for another year just scares me. I'm looking at other schools, but because I'm still not sure what I'm doing, even that seems less friendly and open than a year ago. I feel like I'm in a dark room, fumbling around trying to find a lightswitch, but I can't even find the walls yet. And it's terrible. I'm so sick of this in-between feeling that hasn't gone away with the coming of college. I'm supposed to be enjoying every day of my life, but instead they're just..passing. And if you knew me personally, it would probably scare you to hear that statement, because that is not how I am as a person nor how I usually live my life.
Well, they say the first step to solving a problem is acknowledgement, so, there ya go: I'm not currently happy. I've got a lot to change, and hopefully I can gain some clarity soon and sort out the mess inside my brain.
Anywho, I'm so glad to finally see my best friends again tonight, my whole family for Thanksgiving, and everyone from my extended home family to go pick out our Christmas tree on Friday :) :)
I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and I encourage you find something you're thankful for, not just on Thanksgiving, but every day, because I promise you, there is always something good, always something to appreciate :)