Static//Clarity

A moment ago, I tried to decide what I was thinking about, and the answer my mind gave was a million voices talking at once. I've had days like this before; when I tried to look into my mind and all I got was static like on a tv. I hate this. It makes me feel lost, even within myself.
And I'm frustrated, because today had the potential to be good, and actually most of it was.
But, things happen and moods change, unfortunately. Especially when one is as easily affected by the moods of those around me as I am.

But tonight is a nice night. We have the door open and it's thunderstorming quietly outside and it's perfectly comfortable in my chair in the family room. So, I want to talk about nice things, because I hate that this blog I wanted to make all cool is turning out to be an occasional rant-fest (though I do appreciate the released steam and I do try to infuse something positive in as well).

The reason for my current discomfort mentally is that I feel like I'm not in control of my own life, and like I must relinquish even more control to make headway towards being able to control it (namely financially, but also in dealing with my parents). Which is life I guess; you give to get. But, I just feel like even now I'm not in a good place mentally to be dealing with all this and to make myself give up more control. I'm still adrift in my little sea of lost thoughts and unanswered questions, and I don't see my dove returning with an olive branch just yet.
But life is still happening around me. People are going on with their lives and jobs and friends and trips and time is still passing.
But as I said in my last post, it feels like I'm a rock in a stream, in all this.
And that is in no way how I want to live my life. I want to be actively involved, all the time.

So, while I had hoped for more time to sort out my mind, I suppose I'll have to just work with what I'm given, and start slowly on the road to recovery and growth. If anyone else is going through this too, I reach out my hand to you, because I know you (and I) could always use another friend in this process.
Today, instead of my usual rant and hope for a better future, I've decided to make myself an actual plan with actual steps (as broad or concise as I need them to be), that I will try to accomplish for myself this summer.
Now, I'm not usually one for lists and crossing things off of them, because, it just isn't usually helpful to me. So, I'm going to try to make a list that doesn't seem too daunting for me and the other non-listers out there.

My Accomplishments Made in Summer '13

(at side, include boxes for check marks next to all accomplishments, or whatever suits your style)

• Read at least 3 new titles or authors
• Log 12 miles each week (May-June), Log 15 miles each week (July-August)
• Save half of all I earn, no questions asked
• Drink a glass of water before each meal, and 3 more each day than usual (4 by July)
• Continue my journal from Spanish class weekly
• Get outside rain or shine every day
• Figure out a meaningful job that I could enjoy, and get it by the end of May
• CLEAN OUT MY CLOTHES AND ROOMS OF JUNK
• Look into school things for next year, like my classes and studying abroad
• Limit internet/TV to 3 hours a day total
• Teach myself the ability of my choice:________________ (ex: a language, how to knit, a painting style, etc.)

• Visit 3 new places and truly explore them

 

Now, of course my list is personal, and maybe not even as long as I'd like it in the future, but for now it's good and I'm happy with it and feel like I can accomplish everything on it. I know that setting small goals is the key towards accomplishing big ones, so now I'm on the road to finally following my own advice. Happy Summer and good luck! 

P.S. I just glanced up at my original title ("Static") and realized that my mind felt a whole lot calmer and better organized. So it needed updating. Sorted. (:

The Fear

I have been forming the beginnings of blog posts in my head literally since I finished my last one like three or four months ago. I do it all the time, I've noticed. Well, here we go again!

So, I'm afraid. That's a pretty human feeling, yes, but one I've been experiencing too often lately, and I think it's about time for that to stop.

I feel like mostly, I'm afraid of becoming irrelevant.
Yeah, I think that about sums up my past, mm, two or three years of life? It's possible two because three years ago I still had at least a good amount of my unabashed confidence left from my childhood. (Has it been three years since those days already?) Back then, the future was still this fantastic, faraway place that someday I'd come across, but things will have worked themselves out by that point, and I'll go into it either knowing what's going on, or with the security of time to figure things out along the way.
I really wish I was never disillusioned.
Well, of course that's not true at the same time......yes, it is. Ha.
What I mean is, I wish that this year didn't pass in a scarily quick flash and that I actually had more to remember from it. Now, of course I actually forget many of the mundane things that have happened to me over the years. But, I had dreams for this year that I formed over years of life. And, this year didn't live up to them, not even close, and I'm disappointed by that. Not that I'm looking for every dream I create to come true, but I'd like more than I got, and half of this at least is my fault. For a long time (and I mean looooong), I felt so jaded (I still do, actually) about the way my life was panning out. But honestly, how much better have things gotten while I sat here and voiced my displeasure over and over? Not much. Maybe up to a dull okay.
And that ain't me.
So, back to my original point: I'm afraid of being irrelevant.
All my life, I've read about, watched, heard, seen these people who lived interesting lives, said interesting things, made interesting things, even if just in my eyes. And I sucked up this information like a sponge. I was really blessed in the opportunities I had to learn about so many different things in life (thanks, Dad). So, all this information I was given set in me this sense of a life that I was forever seeking. Of course no one actually would dream of the life spent from 9-5 in a barren cubicle (would they?), but it was more than that: I knew that I wanted more from life even than the above-cubicle-average life. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to learn about everything on the Earth, and beyond.
Even just in my background (half of life spent in the suburbs, half in the country), I felt this sense of difference from the people around me because I had a more diverse understanding about different types of living. There is this constant sense of restlessness in me that I need to be out living this incredible life I've dreamed up for years.
Being in college, everyone tells me I've got time to figure it out. However, since I took a lot of AP courses in high school and did well enough for them to transfer for credit (and went to a school that accepts them, thankfully), I'm actually a semester ahead. So, being told "I've got time" when I'm actually ahead of those my age and thus closer to graduation in that sense, plus when I feel like I'm not yet living this life I want and I'm so impatient to be living, it can be extremely frustrating.
So, in the sense of life, I feel like I'm becoming irrelevant because I'm just floundering around in defeat at home while the adventure I want is just out of my reach. I feel like I'm going in the opposite direction of the growth I need to achieve to be ready for that life I want, and it scares me. Am I heading towards that cubicle life, and the misery I'd certainly feel there? (Literally, the first time I walked into a cubicle I felt claustrophobic). I want nothing more than to grow culturally and intellectually into the person I wish to be, but I'm having such a hard time figuring out the way to go about doing that.
"You've got time to figure those things out, Jane, don't worry."
Do I though?! I've got to pick my classes months in advance and I'm supposed to find a new stable job so that I can fund my life (how is it that people I don't know seem to have no issue with that?).
It's actually funny, because this April, after weeks of taking personality tests and talking with a kind adviser about my life and my interests, I did make a decision for my future: I chose to major in Spanish. And for at least a week or two, I felt fantastic about this decision and happy about the prospects of my future. But then, suddenly my parents had all these questions about the major, its stability, job expectancy, etc., and I felt under attack and lost confidence in my plans again. If my parents had their way, I'd be an engineer or a doctor, while my heart lies in language, art, history, nature, the written word, etc. Now, it's not to say that maybe I couldn't succeed in one of those professions, but I just don't see myself in them. But then the world seems to be against me in this because how many jobs do you hear of lately in my loves that are in high demand and fund a great lifestyle? Fewer, at least.
I want someone to tell me what to do.
I was talking about this with my good friend just the other day, and it's such an ironic thing for two teenage girls to say, isn't it? But truly, I want someone to look me up and down, know my head and what I've lived through, and say "You are meant to do _________. You're perfect for it, it'll keep you happy forever, and it'll fund the life you desire." I actually miss the structure of being told what to do with my life (at least in the form of guidance), because right now it feels like I'm a fledgling being gently tossed out of my nest instead of jumping by choice, but I'm still expected to learn to fly. And so, I'm scared. Because so far, no one's had that magic answer for me, and I don't know if anyone will. It's up to me, and that's a hard thing to grasp and actually bring to fruition. I'm sad to say that over the past year, I've taken to saying "I'll try" instead of "I will". But sometimes it was the best I could say.
On the other side of irrelevance, I'm also scared of becoming irrelevant to other people. I'm scared that having a whole year of not doing much on my own, people will stop being interested in me. With such a wide range of interests as I have, for a long time I felt like the glue that held together my group of different friends. But now that we're solid, I'm not as necessary to hold us together, and I feel myself falling into the shadows when we all share stories together, because I've got nothing new to say, and jokes about my situation can only be made so many times before they turn to true sympathy. I want my own stories. I want to have things to tell. And the thing is, I still have them. They may be of a different nature, or even of the same, but my mind's so stuck in the shadows now that I'll forget to even bring them up, because I'm used to talking about the goings on of those around me. I don't want to be a wallflower. I want to feel like a leader again, I want to feel fresh and exciting and like someone my friends look to for anything really, everything I had to give before. Because there's still more to give in me, I just have to find it. Easier said than done, but for now, it's summer, I'm barely working, and so I've got a lot of time with my mind. As one of many interesting things said in Eat Pray Love went, "The meditation room is within, Groceries. Decorate that." So, time for some soul-searching. I don't even care how cliche that sounds, because it's literally my only plan for myself for the next three months, and I think that's a beautiful thing to be able to say.

Happy living to all you other lost souls out there. "Whenever God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window!" :)

Living in the Moment

Recently, I had a little epiphany about a bad habit I've had over the years. Too often during things I enjoy, I find myself counting the days, hours, minutes left until that good thing must end. While my brain seems to just be taking stock of how much left enjoyment I get to experience, it can be a real downer on the actual experience by taking me away from the fun. I got to see Ellie Goulding with a friend the other night (Ellie was AMAZING), and on the way there, I realized that I had accidentally left my memory card out of my camera. In the age of smartphones and their advanced cameras, this should have been no big deal, but I am a hoarder and my poor 8G just doesn't have all the memory space I require. So, I tried to open up a bit of space on my phone, and went into the concert with the knowledge that each snap would have to count. With that in mind, I went into the show doing my usual act of capturing every move the performer makes. A few songs in though, as my camera began to fill up, I realized that I wasn't as focused on this music that I loved, as I was on recording the experience to share with others and enjoy later on.
Ironically, I discovered later that night that the videos I recorded were actually at very odd spots in songs and thus were not very useful. However, I was not unhappy with this result. Why? Because, once I realized that I was focusing so much on snapping pictures or quality videos, I put my phone into my pocket, buttoned the flap over top, and set about enjoying the concert and the environment around me. I have to say, the crowd was great, Ellie was an amazing performer, and I had a great experience that I can remember well, all the way through! It was only after putting away the technology and focusing on the event at hand that I began to really enjoy the show. I can remember many such occurances, be they concerts, vacations, parties, etc. where I wasted time that I could have been enjoying on focusing on how much longer I had to enjoy the experience--which of course takes the joy out of it, at least for me.
My absolute favorite book about life in general which literally helped shape the way I think about many things is The Razor's Edge by W. Somerset Maugham. In this book (which I recommend everyone should read), there is a quote which spoke to me, and stuck with me, ever since I first read the book a couple years ago.
"'But endless duration makes good no better, nor white any whiter. If the rose at noon has lost the beauty it had at dawn, the beauty it had then was real. Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.'"-W. Somerset Maugham
I have carried this quote with me for a long time, but apparently never fully submitted to its truth. What is the point in acquiring good things if we won't enjoy them? In the past, I have been afraid of good moments turning into only memories. I feared losing this thing which was momentarily brought within my grasp. But honestly, as the quote denotes, there is no point in trying to hold on to something transitory, like a moment. Wasting time focusing on trying to prolong a moment makes no sense at all, when you think about it. So, enjoy this moment, this second. Not because it will soon be gone, but because it was given to you, and why not be happy at least with that?

The New Year

It makes me happy that, each year, we still find it possible to find the changing of a clock hand so exciting, and still hold on to the hope that, this year, things will change for the better.
I know that, until now, I've mostly used this blog as an outlet for my frustration with various things, but it has also been a place that I tried to let that all out, and then stay hopeful for a positive change in the future. And for at least this one more post, the same is upon us. Cue anecdote. At the end of my first semester of college, I felt frustrated, burned out, and like I had moved no where at all. However, some different words from a family member finally helped me see the benefit of this semester. While chatting about my most personally disliked class this semester (biology), instead of asking me if I knew what my plans for the future were and what I wanted to do, he asked, "Well, did you figure out what you don't want to do?" All of a sudden, I realized that this semester was productive at least in that I realized that I need to make a change in my life, and that not everything I try will be something I like or what is right for me. So with that, I got to thinking.
Now, maybe a week later, I have realized that, as literally all of my best friends and my sisters have been saying for actual months, I need to get out of my current Environmental Studies major, and into one which actually suits me, probably in either Creative Writing, Journalism, or Spanish, and perhaps minor in a science that I enjoy (perhaps leading up to one day fulfilling my dream of writing/photographing for National Geographic Magazine). My dad, the extreme "realist" that he is, quickly wished me luck in ever finding work with a Creative Writing degree. This is hard to hear of course, especially since it took me a lot of courage to decide in myself to veer away from the sciences, but as my little sister reminded me today, I need to become better at hearing and appreciating others' opinions, but only using those which are beneficial to me and what I actually want.
And, funny enough, today I logged onto my school email for the first time in a while, only to find an email about my interest in the Creative Writing major (it was my second choice on my application) and encouraging me to attend a Creative Writing class in order to learn about the course and give my information for possibly joining the major in the future.
I can take a hint. ;)
So, with that on my mind, going back to school doesn't seem so daunting, and neither do the remaining 4ish years of my university education. Just like other years, I'm starting this one with quite a bit of hope, but also with a new brightness along that far-off horizon, and I hope you are as well. I hope that 2013 is the year that you, as well as I, finally do that thing--that one thing--that has haunted the back of your mind for many a non-January-1st-day. Go on that trip. Talk to that person. Lose that weight. Take up that hobby.  Realize that dream.
Whatever your resolution, I wish you the best of luck. Here's to a good year. Happy 2013!

And So She Did

It's funny, they say that with age comes wisdom. However, at a few short days from turning 19, I have mixed feelings about this statement.
Sure, I'm more fiscally wise now, and I think more before making decisions, but both of those things may be less beneficial than I thought. For instance, and I hate to admit this, I feel that I can't speak my mind anymore. You reading these posts already know more about my future hopes/plans than many of the people I know. And I find that kind of crazy. Lately, whenever I'm asked about my future, I get embarrassed, laugh, shrug, and say I'm not really sure. I don't say: "I'm not sure, but I don't want to stay where I am," "I want to change my major to something frivolous that I really love, and for that to be okay," I also want to find a dependable major that I could love doing every day, and I'm trying to work out in my mind what that could be," "I want to move away and actually make friends and have a good time in college," "I feel like I can't leave home because my family needs me," "I feel like I've let go of my dreams, and now I can't believe in them anymore," "I need help."
Now, not all of these things are that hard to say, and actually saying my current plans (looking into geoscience or speech pathology and language and looking for places to transfer) doesn't really sound that hard either. So why can't I make the words come out of my mouth?
Actually realizing that I'm afraid to say what I think has been rough to accept, but boy do I feel better for it now. Last night, my cousin asked me what I'd been up to (I haven't seen him in ages and I miss him!) and how school was, and--I actually told him my feelings and plans. And (of course), he said that my plans sounded really interesting and good, and he wished me luck. Now, was that really so hard, Jane? I realized that, in fact, it wasn't.
Now, this isn't stemming simply from the personal crisis I had this year, but also from my ideas. I'm not the average 18 year old. I have dreams of science, art, travel, history, etc. My ideas do not quite fit into the usual mold, and so, in the past, when people asked me what I wanted to do with myself and I said proudly, "Archaeology," I would often get weird looks and raised eyebrows. However, I used to have this amazing ability to shrug off the nonbelievers and remain happily focused on my goal. Where has that gone? When did I suddenly become so worried about what other people thought? I have a feeling that it has to do with the fact that I ended up at a school mainly for engineering and business at which I barely even had opportunities to study those more far-out subjects that I so enjoyed. So, being somewhere where all the people (mainly, you'd think) have something in common, I became embarrassed of standing out, especially since I didn't seem to fit in anyway.
However, talking to my cousin and just thinking about the whole thing in general has helped me to put new confidence in myself and my ideas, and I feel much better about the whole thing (: Because honestly, I'm living my life, and so I need to make choices that keep me happy, and the people around me can't help me to do that if they don't know what I want. It's okay to be a little selfish, I'm realizing, so long as it's for a beneficial reason.

In other news, tomorrow's December and I'm so excited!!! It's my favorite month, and I've had holiday Pandora on for days to accompany the tree in the front hall :) I hope you all have a wonderful day, and don't ever be afraid to be yourself!

Under Pressure

Ya know, it's funny how one little question can change so much.
The other night, my older sister texted me out of the blue and asked me "Are you happy?" She meant this in an overall-in-life way. I thought and gave her a relatively affirmative answer, and, satisfied, she moved on with her life. However, this question struck me deeply and made me really think: Am I happy? The more I thought about it (and continue to think about it), the more I realized how much I would have done differently over the past year or so, had I the chance. And that is no way to live.

If you've read all my posts, you know bits of this story, but here's the bottom line:
One year ago, I was excitingly sending in applications to three top-of-the-line schools (the closest about 3 hours away, the farthest about 9) which each cost around $50,000 a year. I was excited to branch out and be able to find exciting new friends and have new adventures. Despite naysayers and realists, I was excited to pursue my dreams of studying archaeology and journalism, with the goal of one day working for a magazine like National Geographic, which is one of my very favorites. Though already somewhat humbled, good scores on AP tests and the SATs gave me great confidence in my ability to go to these schools.
Fast forward to today: I'm at home, going to a local branch college of a university that I have very neutral feelings towards. I do not have a solid major plan in line, and I can't seem to make a decision for the pressure I feel being put on me by just about every adult (it seems). I have made absolutely no new friends at school (though I have become closer with some previous school friends). When my friends got excited to share their adventures at our reunion tonight, I realized that I had not one real exciting story to tell about school. Instead of feeling calm at home, I feel restless and dissatisfied and like I don't have the time or means for rest right now. So, every time I take time out for me, I feel guilty, and if I don't I feel unhappy. Despite having a tuition bill of just around $1200 and so not currently having any debt, I have no money for me because my job is slow, I've been unable to work a lot lately, and I didn't make a lot over the summer. Since I am 18 and graduated, I'm supposed to be living by my own schedule, but instead it seems even worse because I'm still on the exact schedule because of having to drive my little sister around everywhere. I feel like my parents want to keep me home for the convenience of having me home and being a second/third parent (and of course also because they love me). I feel like staying at home, even just for this long, has gotten me so stuck in a rut that the thought of being here for another year just scares me. I'm looking at other schools, but because I'm still not sure what I'm doing, even that seems less friendly and open than a year ago. I feel like I'm in a dark room, fumbling around trying to find a lightswitch, but I can't even find the walls yet. And it's terrible. I'm so sick of this in-between feeling that hasn't gone away with the coming of college. I'm supposed to be enjoying every day of my life, but instead they're just..passing. And if you knew me personally, it would probably scare you to hear that statement, because that is not how I am as a person nor how I usually live my life.
Well, they say the first step to solving a problem is acknowledgement, so, there ya go: I'm not currently happy. I've got a lot to change, and hopefully I can gain some clarity soon and sort out the mess inside my brain.
Anywho, I'm so glad to finally see my best friends again tonight, my whole family for Thanksgiving, and everyone from my extended home family to go pick out our Christmas tree on Friday :) :)
I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and I encourage you find something you're thankful for, not just on Thanksgiving, but every day, because I promise you, there is always something good, always something to appreciate :)

TGIF

Well hello! .....again. I apologize, I really was going to be more regular about this, I swear! Ah well, at least I'm on again. And, glad to say, I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere in the quest to figure out what I'm gonna do with myself!
For starters, I want to say how I finally did something big for myself recently, and it was great: I drove to and visited my best friend at her awesome college! This was a big deal because: a) it was like 2.5 hours away, and I'd never driven that far solo on an unfamiliar route before, b) I miss herrrrrr, c) it was relatively expensive to do so, and I finally had enough money in the bank to accommodate a trip of this kind, and d) I finally got to be on a real college-y campus and experience college life!! Oh, it was great, I loved it. She's on a very idyllic campus and everyone was so friendly and awesome and I loved the atmosphere.
So, being on a nice campus and seeing what life is like made me really think seriously about my situation, and motivated me to actually look into switching my major and/or schools. So, today's the big day that I change my major! In looking at my friend's college, I found a few things that I hadn't seriously thought about before--neurology and speech pathology--that interested me, as well as (!!) the one I was planning on switching to anyway: geology! (I'll keep neurology and sp in the back of my mind for now (I've been very interested in the brain lately), and see how I feel about them in a few months or so) Needless to say, I was psyched, and the fact that I had another option for a school later on to switch to really motivated me to solidify my thoughts. So, today, I'll be seeing my adviser in the afternoon to make the switch once and for all, and be rid of environmental science!
The fact of the matter is, changing a major is a drastic change to make, as it could cost time and money. However, it seems that my classes I'm already taking will at least mostly count for geology, which is good.
Changing my major to this is also drastic because, my school being a branch campus, I can't finish it here at home. So by changing it and sticking with it, I am deciding that I will have to switch schools by junior year, which is scary. However, I am doing college right by living at home and going to cheaply, so really, I'm pretty well off. After years of being scared by the idea of debt, I'm finally taking the leap--just in an educated way. With the knowledge I have now, I won't go to a school that is insanely expensive unless I have tons of aid, and I'll have time to do adequate research before I do any switch.
So, this is a huge step for me on the journey to having the life I dream about, and I'm so happy about it! :)

In other news, it is time for me to find another job, and quick. Now, I love the people at my current job, but I don't like the actual job, the restaurant is slow so I don't get many hours in the limited amount of time that I can work, and I've had to request off a lot lately anyway.
So, probably this weekend, I'm planning on going around on a job-search/applying frenzy, in order to have myself on the offering plate before all those kids return from college for Thanksgiving and snatch up the good jobs! I want to find a job that I'm excited to go to and that will be interesting. Fingers crossed I find a good one this weekend!
Can anyone believe how fast this semester is going by? I sure can't. It's already November 9th! So, I'm trying to take more time for myself each day, and so far it's going well :)
For example, since one of my classes was cancelled today, I'm gonna finally work out, take a nice long shower, do some studying for Monday (I work ahead now! it's so weird haha), make myself a nice lunch, go to class, meet with my adviser to change my major, and then have a night at home and probably watch some stuff on Netflix (I've recently (finally) really started to get into Doctor Who, and I'm on the second season and love it!).
Also, anyone else just loving this crisp, cold fall air? It's the best!

I hope you're all well and you're having a lovely Friday! :)