Rain or Shine

Well, it's well and truly spring, and the weather is as variable as can be.
Thankfully however, the thermometer's been hovering around jacket temps lately, so away with the winter clothes and hello spring clothes!

...except, as I realize every spring, it's rather hard for me to dress in spring. Your mind says shorts and sandals, but your body says put that fleece jacket back on, crazy, the wind's still blowing! So, with a super simple investment in a couple pairs of black tights, I've found my new favorite spring outfit: a chunky sweater tucked into belted jean shorts over black tights, and black suede booties. And as the the title indicates, it works in the craziness of spring weather! (though I recommend maybe a different material of booties for those rainy days, unfortunately I'm not very gentle on possessions haha, so my booties got a taste of the rain)

Sun:
 This was my outfit for Easter Sunday, and it worked perfectly for the sunshine we were enjoying!

Sweater- Forever 21, Belt- Forever 21, Jean Shorts- Ruff Hewn, Tights-Forever 21.

Sunglasses-Nine West (Marshall's)

 I bought these sunglasses after loving them in the store, but felt a little unsure of them later, as they aren't my usual Wayfarer-esque shape, but, as you can see from my happily posing face, I'm now OBSESSED with them! Love the difference in the roundness of the frames.

 My stepsister and cousin decided to chalk our hair while drawing on the driveway, I've always wanted to do this and loved the effect. I'm gonna have to get legit hair chalk to try out over the summer!

Booties- Z London (DSW)

Rain:

Last week, the April showers began to really reign after a couple weeks of wonderful sunshine. But, I do love rain when it's warmer out, and decided to again use the shorts and tights combo.

Sweater- Chaps, Belt- Forever 21, Shorts- Ruff Hewn, Tights, Forever 21

 I loved the red of the sweater to brighten up the gray day, and it was warm and chunky enough to keep me cozy.

And, of course no outfit would be complete without a little arm party, today I kept it simple with a leather and gold watch, and my always bracelets: a green and magenta friendship one, and a green leather one that one of my best friends brought back from Ireland! 

I have always loved this look and finally got the confidence (and clothes--black tights are essential, seriously, why did I not own any before) to try it out, and I'm so glad I did!! Good luck in your spring dressing, I for one can't wait for more sunshine and warmth!

Have a wonderful week! xx

Back in the Saddle/A New Direction

Well, it's been a while again. I was having a great year, but then life threw me a couple of curveballs having to do with my family, and I needed to be away for a long while. Things are all right now, just hectic and scary and sad for a while. First, we found out in January that my mom had breast cancer. So thankfully, they found it very early before it spread, and in a whirlwind month, we went from diagnosis to surgery after which she was declared cancer free! She is doing very well now (:
Then, in February, my grandma passed away. She is the first one of my grandparents to die, and I don't think the realness of the situation has quite hit me yet. It catches me off guard every once and a while, and I'm sure it'll really hit me next Christmas, which was her favorite holiday and is always a grand family gathering. She had been struggling for a long time with lymphatic cancer and had a hard past six months or so. However, I'm so glad that now she's finally her whole self again and out of all of the pain. I have so many happy memories of her and I know she's watching over me now. Again, it still hasn't fully hit me, and it feels strange to type those words, because to me she's still just an hour and a half from me, bustling around her huge old house. But, the last time I saw her she was happy and doing relatively well, and I'm thankful for that.

So, with that news out of the way, back to the blog! In January I made a great list of resolutions which I promptly forgot about and ignored for a month and a half. Then, a couple weeks ago, at the start of my spring break, I decided to get back into exercising and was doing really well! It's a little harder to remember to do it now that I'm back in school, but it's still in my mind and I'm trying to be consistent about it! I love the way I feel after and during a workout. I'm working to get myself in good shape after four years of a life without consistent exercise, and while I am strong naturally,  I want to be in better form and lose some weight before I go away to a different college in the fall! I can't remember if I ever mentioned that or not, but I finally decided to go away to university next fall, and I am already so incredibly excited for it. The girls I'm going to live with are great, the campus is so much fun and so busy, and I think the environment and being away from home will be so good for me. I haven't quite decided what I'm going to add onto my current Spanish major, but I'm giving it some serious thought and I will decide very soon (scheduling starts tomorrow, eek!).

In January, I felt very lighthearted and happy, but as life got crazy, the old sadness and disappointment crept back in. However, over spring break, I was able to really let go of things and just enjoy myself and busy myself with whatever I wanted, and it was absolutely wonderful.

 

While, as you can see, spring break wasn't very "springy," I enjoyed staying inside and hanging out.



Finally, I wanted to talk about taking my blog in a new direction, which ironically is actually the original direction I intended for it!

One of my resolutions was to create something each month and blog about it. This is mostly because I wanted my blog to have more of a lifestyle feel to it than previously (sorry for all the rants in the past, last year was angsty).

First, I want to talk about makeup.
I never used to care much about makeup to be honest, so long as my eyes could be seen (my eyelashes are very blonde).
However, over a year ago, I found this amazing YouTube channel called "Pixiwoo." (Youtube.com/Pixiwoo). Suddenly, I was tearing through their tutorials and learning a whole lot about not only different types of makeup and their uses, as well as techniques to apply to different shapes and colors of features. Nic and Sam (the two sisters behind Pixiwoo, both makeup artists for around a decade and a half) feel like those super cool young aunts who chat with you like an old friend and give you a good catch up and life tip with every visit. Their videos are helpful and the looks always come out beautiful--even if I begin to question a look halfway through. So, on the rare chance that one of my sisters is up for modeling, I jump at the opportunity to try a look on them!

My older sister Anne modeling as Cleopatra a la Elizabeth Taylor. All done because she had twisted her scarf into a turban while being silly and I said she looked Egyptian and I wanted to do a look!

While I am by no means perfect at makeup, I love practicing and I've been trying out different styles and looks on myself, and I'm slowly amassing a collection of products to work with! It's one of my favorite creative outlets these days (:

 Next is another creation that I wanted to share, even though it's unfinished.

Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice (2005).

 I loooooove to draw. I've been drawing seriously since elementary school, and it's one of my favorite things to immerse myself in. Usually, I like drawing portraits, and have been meaning to draw Lizzy Bennett by Keira Knightley since, oh, about forever. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite books and the 2005 movie is my favorite, ever. I've had it memorized for years, and I just love it.
This image is from a favorite scene of mine ("The Secret Life of Daydreams" by Dario Marianelli plays in the background during a series of rainy and sunny days while Lizzy swings alone and silent), and I've always thought Keira looked absolutely beautiful in it.
My drawing isn't finished, and it isn't perfect, but I'm very proud of it, to be honest. I love getting face shape and proportions right, especially since I just draw freehand, looking off an image on my phone, usually. I love it and I can't wait to finish the whole thing!


Finally, I want to begin talking about fashion. I love fashion as well, and I read multiple blogs and watch multiple YouTube users about fashion/lifestyle.
I've been in serous need of some nice, dark leather boots since forever, as the pair I had previously are slightly reddish in tint and do not go with everything.  Finally, the other day in DSW I found these babies.

Boots, Ralph Lauren. 

 I have to admit, at first I was a little skeptical of these because they are a little looser around the calves than I'm used to, and the foot part seemed to either be too big or too small, and I couldn't find a good pair of socks to fit in them well. However, I decided to take the plunge and buy them, and I'm already so glad I did! They were more than I usually pay for (anything) boots at $85 (I'm poor, in college, stingy, etc.), but I used a $20 off coupon to get them to that price, and I knew I was buying quality with the brand. The gold detail on the side is a little strangely bright yellow in color, but I don't notice it much and to me that's fine. I just love these boots! I love the look of them the more I wear them and I'm sure once they're all broken in, they'll be a great pair to hold on to for many years. I'm so glad I have them!

Well, this was quite a lengthy one, and as I've come down with a wicked cold, sleep is calling my name. I would love to know any opinions you have on my creations and how you feel about the expansion of my blog theme! I'm so glad I'm finally heading in the direction I set my course for when I began. I'll do my best to stay consistent and stick to my April resolutions in the future.
Thanks for reading and, goodnight!! xx

In with the New

I'm a couple days late in saying so, but

Happy 2014!!!! (:

Enjoy this selfy avec sequins and year glasses (:

Personally, I was not a big fan of 2013, and I was very excited for a new start. However, I saw a good degree of cynicism floating around on the internet about the idea of resolutions, and it made me think about them and why we choose to make them. 

Many people seemed to be saying: why now? why choose this day to make a change? you could have made it any time you wanted before; did you really need this little stupid jumpstart of a calendar change to do something about an issue in your life?
But for many people, the answer is probably yes.

Personally, December was a whirlwind for me. It felt like I didn't even have time to catch my breath while the semester wrapped up, I had my birthday, and family started to come home for the holidays. I loved finishing something and having time for rest, but honestly, the time for rest only truly felt like it started a few days ago. For starters, on Christmas Eve, I came down with something (guessing the flu) and was left in bed with feverish chills and aches while the family watched movies and ate cookies. It was an ebb-and-flow kind of thing however, and it always seemed to let me have some fun: getting to come down for dinner and a movie later on Christmas Eve, fun with family and friends on Christmas, skiing on the 26th, and other family times and a couple outings with friends. Unfortunately, this thing is still clinging onto me in the last way it can: a cough and somewhat sore throat. But, it's definitely lessened and is on its way out, and I feel all the better for having a) an excuse to let myself recuperate and get some sleep and b)finally coming out of it. 

However, lately, it's been hard to convince myself that it was all right to sleep in for an extra hour or two or to just sit and do what I want for a couple hours. I try to be very responsible and so, if I let myself slack off (which I do too often), I tend to feel very guilty and become nervous and worried while doing something unproductive. However, this still becomes an outlet for me, and I sneak in a few YouTube videos or 15 minutes on Tumblr on many occasions, and often make myself late and unhappy, even if the time I spent doing something online made me happy at first.
I'll let that be a little lead-in and thus list my resolutions for the New Year in which many changes are already set to come for me! (I am listing this mostly for myself, that I have something to keep up with, and also if anyone is interested or can use my resolutions to set some for yourself!)

Resolutions for 2014

1. Exercise three times a week, every week.

2. Learn 1 new piece in entirety on the piano each 1-2 months (depending on the piece).

3. Create two things each month, blog about them each month.

4. Write in my journal at least weekly. 

5. Be more open with those I love and those I don't know (trust).

6. Read some of a book for pleasure every day. 

7. Limit recreational time on the internet daily to 1.5 hour total (45 minutes on school days).

 8. Begin my homework by 4 every day.

9. Go outside every day (even in weather, do something).

10. Save 1/3 of all earnings. 

These are all quite personal to me, but I plan to share my progress with these on here (I want to blog more positively and frequently this year) and if anyone would like to share your resolutions and progress, please feel free! I'd be glad to know and support you (: I hope this year is as good for everyone as it's been to me so far, and as I hope for it will be in the future! (:

And, to finish it off, I just want to share with you that, as the view from my window will affirm, there is sunlight after the storm. (:

 

Sunnier Days

Well, I honestly meant to write this weeks ago, when it was still hip and in to describe to the world just how much you love autumn and everything about it, but, true to form, life got in the way. (Yes, I do have an addiction to commas, oops) After a very busy and often stressful three weeks or so, I'm beat. And today's dull gray chill is doing nothing to get me on the homework train. So, I figured (as is often best for me) might as well give in to the temptation for a bit, let my mind rest, and then get back feeling better. So, here we are.

We were having a gorgeous autumn until the past week of rain and true chill. All bright colors and sunshine, and I tried to soak up every bit before I was ready to burrow inside, as I feel now. So, one day after school, it was lovely out, I had time, and adventuring happened. I climbed a tree, I ran, I smiled, I climbed some more, and I took pictures. So here's some sunshine and some beautiful autumn to brighten up my gray day!

Up in that tree I mentioned.

This is our corncrib, which is now used for, as you can see, storage of hay bales, and also occasionally for climbing in.

The sunlight was gorgeous filtered down through the leaves.

I have a similar shot to this from my bad makeup/clothes choices days, around 2009? I've always wanted to repeat it sans me.

The leaves on this tree were my favorites.

So impressed by the iPhone 5c camera (just got it before this shoot happened, so thrilled to have all the extra space!) and it's focus abilities.

And here's the what I wore, because I love clothes and dressing nicely.  Scarf-TJ Maxx, Jeggings-Forever 21, Boots-DSW, I have no idea which brand, Sweater-thanks Gramma!

Hope these brightened up your gray day if you're having one. Enjoy the weather before it's gross, and don't forget to take a little time for yourself here and there. You'll work all the better for it! xx

Following through..

Since I'm usually pretty crap at following my own advice, I'm going to do my AYP right here, right now, while I'm not studying for that quiz tomorrow anyway. 

I am here. I am living at home, commuting to a college that I feel very neutrally about. I get to be with my family, but they're living their own lives as well as me, and I have to drive my younger sister around too much of the time. I spend much of my day alone, sometimes in silence. I am very chatty once I know people, or even sometimes before, so this really pains me a lot, maybe more than most others. I am half introverted, half extroverted, so I really like to talk to people and lately I'm always the first to introduce myself, but sometimes I also do like to be alone, though usually that's when I'm at home, not at school. I procrastinate far too much, so even easy homework gets pushed late. I'm also a packrat, though lately I'm beginning to hate clutter...even though I still can't throw it out (what if I'll need it some day???). I try to draw every once and a while to stay creative, and it helps, and I think I'm getting better, but I'd love to do it more. Last year I literally lived on Netflix, this year it's Youtube. I feel like I could be a better person than I'm being. I also feel that being silent so often helps me to observe others better, but also that it's making me really judgy, and I don't want to be like that, but that probably came from being super trusting in the past. I miss my best friends like crazy, and they've only been gone two weeks this time. We feel like sisters now, we're so comfortable around each other, and that's what I miss the most on my lonely days. I am not entirely positive on what I want to do with myself, though I have it pretty nailed down to something in language. I also keep feeling like art keeps nudging me too, but I'm not sure what I'll do with that thought yet. I want a change of scenery, even though I really do love this area and all its beauty.

The decisions that led me to here. Well, first it was deciding to only apply to schools that were very expensive, very far from home, and VERY hard to get into. I am a relatively normal person, college application wise, so this was a bold move for me...and it did not come to fruition. (I know I've told this sob story before, but please indulge me one more time, for the sake of this exercise!) Then, when I didn't get it, I let myself completely fall apart, and I lost a lot of faith in my abilities. In desperation (it was already late March when I found out, and most dates closed on April 1st or so), I applied to a local branch school which I had visited a few times through high school and liked all right, and I tried to apply to a school a few hours away in a town that I really liked (sadly, there are two schools with almost identical names, and I chose the wrong one on Common App, though that was probably a sign that I was not meant to go there, because that school was not for me, haha). I greatly considered taking a gap year, but this idea was shot down by my parents, many times. Finally, a week or so later, I was accepted to the local branch college, and, honestly I didn't want to have to walk across the stage at graduation without saying "attending this college for so-and-so major," and with the encouragement of my parents, I registered for classes, and I had a college. Then, when asked whether I wanted to study creative writing or environmental science, I picked science because it sounded more stable to me, an AP science kid who spent most of my time with kids who were going into engineering or the medical field. I tried to study it, but biology is just not for me, and I gave up on it pretty quickly into that semester. But, I kept on at college, even as failing tests and making few to no new friends took a severe hit on my usually cheerful personality. Whenever people asked, I put on a half-smiling face and said college was all right. But, I let myself get really, really down. I got sucked into tv series on Netflix (don't get me wrong, I loved watching all that Doctor Who and Say Yes to the Dress) and spent most of my time on the couch. I wasn't the old me, and I wasn't happy. Even this past summer, I went on a college visit or two, but it felt fake,  I still didn't feel like this was my future I was planning. But, I did make progress on my happiness, and learned to live more in the moment, as I said before (: Now, finally, I feel like I'm closer to believing that I can truly make my own future, like I can really go wherever I want to go, that stupid obstacles really don't mean anything. 

For the future: I want to live in a city. I don't know where yet, maybe New York City? I don't care how far away I go, because I know that I can come home, and that they can get on without me here. I also want to go abroad again. Maybe somewhere different: I'm looking at you, France, Spain. Maybe somewhere I've been: England, Ireland, Scotland. I want a life filled with beauty. I want to dress in the clothes/styles I dream about (I'm working on this one already). I want to keep the happiness I feel each morning through to when I go to sleep at night. I want to make friends every where I go, to meet strangers and become family. I want to see all the world. I want someone to share my life with, someone to care for and someone who cares for me. I want to find out the truths of life, and to share them with the people around me, the world around me, in whatever I choose to do with myself. I want to live a happy life. 

Whatever the situation of your AYP, I wish you all the best in reaching your future. Please share yours with me if you like! I know not many people read this, but some do! And I thank you if you do, it means a lot that you see my thoughts and care to read them. Good luck to you all, and good night! xx

AYP.

A long while ago, maybe a couple of years, I had an idea, wrote it down on a post-it note, and stuck it on the side of my dresser, by my head, so that I would think about it and follow its directions when I was feeling stuck, as I had been when I wrote it. (But, being stereotypical me, it's been like 2 years and I'm just now getting around to it, lol. But, I probably need it the most now anyway, so here goes!)
And my theory was:

AYP.

Accept Your Position.

Basically, the steps to follow were to stop looking forward or back, but simply say: I Am Here. (Ya know, like one of those little red stars on a map in a rest area on the highway or something). Regardless of where I wanted/want to be in my life right now, literally and/or figuratively, I am currently here. How do I feel about being here?

Then, you must look back. How did I arrive here? Which choices lead me to this position? Why did I make them? Pros and cons of making them?

Finally, look ahead. What would I like to change about my position? Where would I rather be? What would I rather be doing? Which steps are necessary to getting me where I want to be? What can I start doing right this very moment to put me on the way towards where I want to be?

I hope that everyone, at least at some point in their life, can reach their desired position, because isn't that what we're all striving for out in this big, bad world? If you aren't on the right path, get on it! Today is the day to start making changes in your life. I for one, have finally reached that point where I'm ready to kick myself in the butt and do something, because I'm sick of sitting around mildly (or not even) satisfied with my position, and it's time to get to the places I want to be, the life I want to be living. Please, from someone who's done this, don't spend all your time dreaming. The longer you dream, the harder it is to let yourself have something that you want, because you've idolized something in your head so much that the reality just won't compare. In the wise words of Edith Wharton (if you haven't read The Age of Innocence, I highly recommend it. It makes you think about life in a really great way.),

"Only I wonder--the thing one's so certain of in advance:

can it ever make one's heart beat as widely?"

So, as you assess your position and the changes you may need to make in your life, make good plans, and follow them, but don't be surprised if everything doesn't go exactly according to how you set it up, because it just may be better that way (:

Walking on Sunshine

WOOOOAAAAHHHH!

Ahem, hi. :) So, it's been a while, per usual. Last week was spent enjoying every single day of my vacation to the Outer Banks with my family. Literally, I was just so...comfortable, the entire week. And it was fantastic. During this time, I was on Instagram, and a quote account I follow, zynp, posted a quote that really really resonated with me and how I was feeling:

"If you are depressed you are living in the past.

If you are anxious you are living in the future.

If you are at peace you are living in the present."

-Lao Tzu

Eureka! I was at peace. I finally followed my own advice and I lived in the moment. I didn't worry about how many days were left in the week, how many hours in the day, or even what was for breakfast the next morning. Nope, for the first time in a long time, I simply did what I wanted until I wanted something new, and it was great. Of course there were moments when my own time was cut short by an invitation to do this or that with a family member, but doing things with them were pleasant too, and nothing I was doing couldn't be paused or wait until tomorrow to continue enjoying. It was absolutely a beautiful, refreshing experience, and, finally, my head felt clear and empty in a good way.

Unsurprisingly, the feeling didn't quite make it home with me, because with a long car ride, I had plenty of time to return to worries about the disarray I had left behind at home. 

But then again, vacations aren't permanent, they are meant to be refreshers to prepare us for another stint of dealing with regular life. So, whenever the fear comes creeping up again, at least now I have the ability to remember how wonderful I felt last week, and that a deep breath can go quite a long way. 

And today, in the frustrating grasp of the expansive internet, I felt myself wasting away another beautiful morning, and I felt the panic of that unproductive behavior and an empty wasted day coiling around me like a boa constrictor yet again. So I got out the list I'd made Sunday night to be completed on Monday (I'm literally like the world's worst completer of lists I make for myself, haha), and, since I had drifted to lists of majors at colleges in my feeble attempt at productive internet activities, I decided to open back up my cobwebby (that's a real word?! There's no red squiggle underneath and I am so surprised!) Common Application that I had started months ago post-counselor session. And actually, I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was not only mostly done, but the things I needed to fill in were quick and easy, and just like that, I have now actually finally applied to another college, after over a year of saying I would. It's...done. And it feels wonderful! Finally, I have done something good for myself using just a spare bit of time in a day without any other requirement of myself. And now, why not take my favorite book (The Razor's Edge by W. Somerset Maugham, have I mentioned that previously? If I have, I'm not sorry, because it deserves to be constantly mentioned and you need to go find it and read it, like, NOW) outside, set up the hammock, and enjoy this day which has turned out to be absolutely gorgeous? The sun's come out and I feel happy :)

As a quick wrap-up here to explain the title of this post, I have to tell a tale from four years back to my travels to Europe, which I will shamelessly mention for the millionth time in something I'm writing. 

While in Wales, we met up with a group called FullOn which basically deals with empowering kids and exposing them to character-building activities. With this group of energetic, bubbly Australian, Kiwi (New Zealanders), and Welsh 20- or 30-somethings, we used just our hand or foot to break a 1-inch thick slab of wood and learned about the RAS (Reticular Activating System), a part of your brain which deals with picking up on the main idea of a thought and so will ignore words like no (e.g. if you were to say "I never fail tests," the RAS only hears "I fail tests"). thus speaking in positive terms only (e.g. instead, saying "I always pass tests") will make you naturally more confident and frequent in your success! With all this great information in our heads, we made our way over from their facilities to Penrhyn Castle on an estate west of Bangor to prepare to repel down an 80-foot tower! I'm a pretty active and daring thing, but once I was inside the tower waiting to go up to the top platform that we would repel from, I became very frightened and apprehensive. Once I got to the top, my helper from FullOn, Emi, was as sweet as could be and helped me up into position on the top of the tower. It had been overcast all day so far (I know, shocking for Wales), but as soon I was on the top corner of the tower, frozen with fear, the sun poked through the clouds, lighting up the day! Emi said to me, "See! The sun came out for you!" And then started singing "I'm Walking on Sunshine" as I sang back the "Wooaahhh" part and began to inch my way down the wall. Before I knew it, I was over the hardest cusp and enjoying myself thoroughly. The rest of the way down was a piece of cake and I loved every second. I have no idea if it was anything special to Emi, but it made an absolute impact on my life, her simple joy and happiness distracting me so that I could enjoy the journey over the hardest bit. Oh, and the sun went away after I made it to the bottom and never came back out again that day, so how's that for special?

If you're going over the tip-top of your tower, I know it's scary, and I know it's hard, but never forget to sing along on the way :)

Static//Clarity

A moment ago, I tried to decide what I was thinking about, and the answer my mind gave was a million voices talking at once. I've had days like this before; when I tried to look into my mind and all I got was static like on a tv. I hate this. It makes me feel lost, even within myself.
And I'm frustrated, because today had the potential to be good, and actually most of it was.
But, things happen and moods change, unfortunately. Especially when one is as easily affected by the moods of those around me as I am.

But tonight is a nice night. We have the door open and it's thunderstorming quietly outside and it's perfectly comfortable in my chair in the family room. So, I want to talk about nice things, because I hate that this blog I wanted to make all cool is turning out to be an occasional rant-fest (though I do appreciate the released steam and I do try to infuse something positive in as well).

The reason for my current discomfort mentally is that I feel like I'm not in control of my own life, and like I must relinquish even more control to make headway towards being able to control it (namely financially, but also in dealing with my parents). Which is life I guess; you give to get. But, I just feel like even now I'm not in a good place mentally to be dealing with all this and to make myself give up more control. I'm still adrift in my little sea of lost thoughts and unanswered questions, and I don't see my dove returning with an olive branch just yet.
But life is still happening around me. People are going on with their lives and jobs and friends and trips and time is still passing.
But as I said in my last post, it feels like I'm a rock in a stream, in all this.
And that is in no way how I want to live my life. I want to be actively involved, all the time.

So, while I had hoped for more time to sort out my mind, I suppose I'll have to just work with what I'm given, and start slowly on the road to recovery and growth. If anyone else is going through this too, I reach out my hand to you, because I know you (and I) could always use another friend in this process.
Today, instead of my usual rant and hope for a better future, I've decided to make myself an actual plan with actual steps (as broad or concise as I need them to be), that I will try to accomplish for myself this summer.
Now, I'm not usually one for lists and crossing things off of them, because, it just isn't usually helpful to me. So, I'm going to try to make a list that doesn't seem too daunting for me and the other non-listers out there.

My Accomplishments Made in Summer '13

(at side, include boxes for check marks next to all accomplishments, or whatever suits your style)

• Read at least 3 new titles or authors
• Log 12 miles each week (May-June), Log 15 miles each week (July-August)
• Save half of all I earn, no questions asked
• Drink a glass of water before each meal, and 3 more each day than usual (4 by July)
• Continue my journal from Spanish class weekly
• Get outside rain or shine every day
• Figure out a meaningful job that I could enjoy, and get it by the end of May
• CLEAN OUT MY CLOTHES AND ROOMS OF JUNK
• Look into school things for next year, like my classes and studying abroad
• Limit internet/TV to 3 hours a day total
• Teach myself the ability of my choice:________________ (ex: a language, how to knit, a painting style, etc.)

• Visit 3 new places and truly explore them

 

Now, of course my list is personal, and maybe not even as long as I'd like it in the future, but for now it's good and I'm happy with it and feel like I can accomplish everything on it. I know that setting small goals is the key towards accomplishing big ones, so now I'm on the road to finally following my own advice. Happy Summer and good luck! 

P.S. I just glanced up at my original title ("Static") and realized that my mind felt a whole lot calmer and better organized. So it needed updating. Sorted. (:

The Fear

I have been forming the beginnings of blog posts in my head literally since I finished my last one like three or four months ago. I do it all the time, I've noticed. Well, here we go again!

So, I'm afraid. That's a pretty human feeling, yes, but one I've been experiencing too often lately, and I think it's about time for that to stop.

I feel like mostly, I'm afraid of becoming irrelevant.
Yeah, I think that about sums up my past, mm, two or three years of life? It's possible two because three years ago I still had at least a good amount of my unabashed confidence left from my childhood. (Has it been three years since those days already?) Back then, the future was still this fantastic, faraway place that someday I'd come across, but things will have worked themselves out by that point, and I'll go into it either knowing what's going on, or with the security of time to figure things out along the way.
I really wish I was never disillusioned.
Well, of course that's not true at the same time......yes, it is. Ha.
What I mean is, I wish that this year didn't pass in a scarily quick flash and that I actually had more to remember from it. Now, of course I actually forget many of the mundane things that have happened to me over the years. But, I had dreams for this year that I formed over years of life. And, this year didn't live up to them, not even close, and I'm disappointed by that. Not that I'm looking for every dream I create to come true, but I'd like more than I got, and half of this at least is my fault. For a long time (and I mean looooong), I felt so jaded (I still do, actually) about the way my life was panning out. But honestly, how much better have things gotten while I sat here and voiced my displeasure over and over? Not much. Maybe up to a dull okay.
And that ain't me.
So, back to my original point: I'm afraid of being irrelevant.
All my life, I've read about, watched, heard, seen these people who lived interesting lives, said interesting things, made interesting things, even if just in my eyes. And I sucked up this information like a sponge. I was really blessed in the opportunities I had to learn about so many different things in life (thanks, Dad). So, all this information I was given set in me this sense of a life that I was forever seeking. Of course no one actually would dream of the life spent from 9-5 in a barren cubicle (would they?), but it was more than that: I knew that I wanted more from life even than the above-cubicle-average life. I wanted to see the world, I wanted to learn about everything on the Earth, and beyond.
Even just in my background (half of life spent in the suburbs, half in the country), I felt this sense of difference from the people around me because I had a more diverse understanding about different types of living. There is this constant sense of restlessness in me that I need to be out living this incredible life I've dreamed up for years.
Being in college, everyone tells me I've got time to figure it out. However, since I took a lot of AP courses in high school and did well enough for them to transfer for credit (and went to a school that accepts them, thankfully), I'm actually a semester ahead. So, being told "I've got time" when I'm actually ahead of those my age and thus closer to graduation in that sense, plus when I feel like I'm not yet living this life I want and I'm so impatient to be living, it can be extremely frustrating.
So, in the sense of life, I feel like I'm becoming irrelevant because I'm just floundering around in defeat at home while the adventure I want is just out of my reach. I feel like I'm going in the opposite direction of the growth I need to achieve to be ready for that life I want, and it scares me. Am I heading towards that cubicle life, and the misery I'd certainly feel there? (Literally, the first time I walked into a cubicle I felt claustrophobic). I want nothing more than to grow culturally and intellectually into the person I wish to be, but I'm having such a hard time figuring out the way to go about doing that.
"You've got time to figure those things out, Jane, don't worry."
Do I though?! I've got to pick my classes months in advance and I'm supposed to find a new stable job so that I can fund my life (how is it that people I don't know seem to have no issue with that?).
It's actually funny, because this April, after weeks of taking personality tests and talking with a kind adviser about my life and my interests, I did make a decision for my future: I chose to major in Spanish. And for at least a week or two, I felt fantastic about this decision and happy about the prospects of my future. But then, suddenly my parents had all these questions about the major, its stability, job expectancy, etc., and I felt under attack and lost confidence in my plans again. If my parents had their way, I'd be an engineer or a doctor, while my heart lies in language, art, history, nature, the written word, etc. Now, it's not to say that maybe I couldn't succeed in one of those professions, but I just don't see myself in them. But then the world seems to be against me in this because how many jobs do you hear of lately in my loves that are in high demand and fund a great lifestyle? Fewer, at least.
I want someone to tell me what to do.
I was talking about this with my good friend just the other day, and it's such an ironic thing for two teenage girls to say, isn't it? But truly, I want someone to look me up and down, know my head and what I've lived through, and say "You are meant to do _________. You're perfect for it, it'll keep you happy forever, and it'll fund the life you desire." I actually miss the structure of being told what to do with my life (at least in the form of guidance), because right now it feels like I'm a fledgling being gently tossed out of my nest instead of jumping by choice, but I'm still expected to learn to fly. And so, I'm scared. Because so far, no one's had that magic answer for me, and I don't know if anyone will. It's up to me, and that's a hard thing to grasp and actually bring to fruition. I'm sad to say that over the past year, I've taken to saying "I'll try" instead of "I will". But sometimes it was the best I could say.
On the other side of irrelevance, I'm also scared of becoming irrelevant to other people. I'm scared that having a whole year of not doing much on my own, people will stop being interested in me. With such a wide range of interests as I have, for a long time I felt like the glue that held together my group of different friends. But now that we're solid, I'm not as necessary to hold us together, and I feel myself falling into the shadows when we all share stories together, because I've got nothing new to say, and jokes about my situation can only be made so many times before they turn to true sympathy. I want my own stories. I want to have things to tell. And the thing is, I still have them. They may be of a different nature, or even of the same, but my mind's so stuck in the shadows now that I'll forget to even bring them up, because I'm used to talking about the goings on of those around me. I don't want to be a wallflower. I want to feel like a leader again, I want to feel fresh and exciting and like someone my friends look to for anything really, everything I had to give before. Because there's still more to give in me, I just have to find it. Easier said than done, but for now, it's summer, I'm barely working, and so I've got a lot of time with my mind. As one of many interesting things said in Eat Pray Love went, "The meditation room is within, Groceries. Decorate that." So, time for some soul-searching. I don't even care how cliche that sounds, because it's literally my only plan for myself for the next three months, and I think that's a beautiful thing to be able to say.

Happy living to all you other lost souls out there. "Whenever God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window!" :)

Living in the Moment

Recently, I had a little epiphany about a bad habit I've had over the years. Too often during things I enjoy, I find myself counting the days, hours, minutes left until that good thing must end. While my brain seems to just be taking stock of how much left enjoyment I get to experience, it can be a real downer on the actual experience by taking me away from the fun. I got to see Ellie Goulding with a friend the other night (Ellie was AMAZING), and on the way there, I realized that I had accidentally left my memory card out of my camera. In the age of smartphones and their advanced cameras, this should have been no big deal, but I am a hoarder and my poor 8G just doesn't have all the memory space I require. So, I tried to open up a bit of space on my phone, and went into the concert with the knowledge that each snap would have to count. With that in mind, I went into the show doing my usual act of capturing every move the performer makes. A few songs in though, as my camera began to fill up, I realized that I wasn't as focused on this music that I loved, as I was on recording the experience to share with others and enjoy later on.
Ironically, I discovered later that night that the videos I recorded were actually at very odd spots in songs and thus were not very useful. However, I was not unhappy with this result. Why? Because, once I realized that I was focusing so much on snapping pictures or quality videos, I put my phone into my pocket, buttoned the flap over top, and set about enjoying the concert and the environment around me. I have to say, the crowd was great, Ellie was an amazing performer, and I had a great experience that I can remember well, all the way through! It was only after putting away the technology and focusing on the event at hand that I began to really enjoy the show. I can remember many such occurances, be they concerts, vacations, parties, etc. where I wasted time that I could have been enjoying on focusing on how much longer I had to enjoy the experience--which of course takes the joy out of it, at least for me.
My absolute favorite book about life in general which literally helped shape the way I think about many things is The Razor's Edge by W. Somerset Maugham. In this book (which I recommend everyone should read), there is a quote which spoke to me, and stuck with me, ever since I first read the book a couple years ago.
"'But endless duration makes good no better, nor white any whiter. If the rose at noon has lost the beauty it had at dawn, the beauty it had then was real. Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.'"-W. Somerset Maugham
I have carried this quote with me for a long time, but apparently never fully submitted to its truth. What is the point in acquiring good things if we won't enjoy them? In the past, I have been afraid of good moments turning into only memories. I feared losing this thing which was momentarily brought within my grasp. But honestly, as the quote denotes, there is no point in trying to hold on to something transitory, like a moment. Wasting time focusing on trying to prolong a moment makes no sense at all, when you think about it. So, enjoy this moment, this second. Not because it will soon be gone, but because it was given to you, and why not be happy at least with that?

The New Year

It makes me happy that, each year, we still find it possible to find the changing of a clock hand so exciting, and still hold on to the hope that, this year, things will change for the better.
I know that, until now, I've mostly used this blog as an outlet for my frustration with various things, but it has also been a place that I tried to let that all out, and then stay hopeful for a positive change in the future. And for at least this one more post, the same is upon us. Cue anecdote. At the end of my first semester of college, I felt frustrated, burned out, and like I had moved no where at all. However, some different words from a family member finally helped me see the benefit of this semester. While chatting about my most personally disliked class this semester (biology), instead of asking me if I knew what my plans for the future were and what I wanted to do, he asked, "Well, did you figure out what you don't want to do?" All of a sudden, I realized that this semester was productive at least in that I realized that I need to make a change in my life, and that not everything I try will be something I like or what is right for me. So with that, I got to thinking.
Now, maybe a week later, I have realized that, as literally all of my best friends and my sisters have been saying for actual months, I need to get out of my current Environmental Studies major, and into one which actually suits me, probably in either Creative Writing, Journalism, or Spanish, and perhaps minor in a science that I enjoy (perhaps leading up to one day fulfilling my dream of writing/photographing for National Geographic Magazine). My dad, the extreme "realist" that he is, quickly wished me luck in ever finding work with a Creative Writing degree. This is hard to hear of course, especially since it took me a lot of courage to decide in myself to veer away from the sciences, but as my little sister reminded me today, I need to become better at hearing and appreciating others' opinions, but only using those which are beneficial to me and what I actually want.
And, funny enough, today I logged onto my school email for the first time in a while, only to find an email about my interest in the Creative Writing major (it was my second choice on my application) and encouraging me to attend a Creative Writing class in order to learn about the course and give my information for possibly joining the major in the future.
I can take a hint. ;)
So, with that on my mind, going back to school doesn't seem so daunting, and neither do the remaining 4ish years of my university education. Just like other years, I'm starting this one with quite a bit of hope, but also with a new brightness along that far-off horizon, and I hope you are as well. I hope that 2013 is the year that you, as well as I, finally do that thing--that one thing--that has haunted the back of your mind for many a non-January-1st-day. Go on that trip. Talk to that person. Lose that weight. Take up that hobby.  Realize that dream.
Whatever your resolution, I wish you the best of luck. Here's to a good year. Happy 2013!

And So She Did

It's funny, they say that with age comes wisdom. However, at a few short days from turning 19, I have mixed feelings about this statement.
Sure, I'm more fiscally wise now, and I think more before making decisions, but both of those things may be less beneficial than I thought. For instance, and I hate to admit this, I feel that I can't speak my mind anymore. You reading these posts already know more about my future hopes/plans than many of the people I know. And I find that kind of crazy. Lately, whenever I'm asked about my future, I get embarrassed, laugh, shrug, and say I'm not really sure. I don't say: "I'm not sure, but I don't want to stay where I am," "I want to change my major to something frivolous that I really love, and for that to be okay," I also want to find a dependable major that I could love doing every day, and I'm trying to work out in my mind what that could be," "I want to move away and actually make friends and have a good time in college," "I feel like I can't leave home because my family needs me," "I feel like I've let go of my dreams, and now I can't believe in them anymore," "I need help."
Now, not all of these things are that hard to say, and actually saying my current plans (looking into geoscience or speech pathology and language and looking for places to transfer) doesn't really sound that hard either. So why can't I make the words come out of my mouth?
Actually realizing that I'm afraid to say what I think has been rough to accept, but boy do I feel better for it now. Last night, my cousin asked me what I'd been up to (I haven't seen him in ages and I miss him!) and how school was, and--I actually told him my feelings and plans. And (of course), he said that my plans sounded really interesting and good, and he wished me luck. Now, was that really so hard, Jane? I realized that, in fact, it wasn't.
Now, this isn't stemming simply from the personal crisis I had this year, but also from my ideas. I'm not the average 18 year old. I have dreams of science, art, travel, history, etc. My ideas do not quite fit into the usual mold, and so, in the past, when people asked me what I wanted to do with myself and I said proudly, "Archaeology," I would often get weird looks and raised eyebrows. However, I used to have this amazing ability to shrug off the nonbelievers and remain happily focused on my goal. Where has that gone? When did I suddenly become so worried about what other people thought? I have a feeling that it has to do with the fact that I ended up at a school mainly for engineering and business at which I barely even had opportunities to study those more far-out subjects that I so enjoyed. So, being somewhere where all the people (mainly, you'd think) have something in common, I became embarrassed of standing out, especially since I didn't seem to fit in anyway.
However, talking to my cousin and just thinking about the whole thing in general has helped me to put new confidence in myself and my ideas, and I feel much better about the whole thing (: Because honestly, I'm living my life, and so I need to make choices that keep me happy, and the people around me can't help me to do that if they don't know what I want. It's okay to be a little selfish, I'm realizing, so long as it's for a beneficial reason.

In other news, tomorrow's December and I'm so excited!!! It's my favorite month, and I've had holiday Pandora on for days to accompany the tree in the front hall :) I hope you all have a wonderful day, and don't ever be afraid to be yourself!

Under Pressure

Ya know, it's funny how one little question can change so much.
The other night, my older sister texted me out of the blue and asked me "Are you happy?" She meant this in an overall-in-life way. I thought and gave her a relatively affirmative answer, and, satisfied, she moved on with her life. However, this question struck me deeply and made me really think: Am I happy? The more I thought about it (and continue to think about it), the more I realized how much I would have done differently over the past year or so, had I the chance. And that is no way to live.

If you've read all my posts, you know bits of this story, but here's the bottom line:
One year ago, I was excitingly sending in applications to three top-of-the-line schools (the closest about 3 hours away, the farthest about 9) which each cost around $50,000 a year. I was excited to branch out and be able to find exciting new friends and have new adventures. Despite naysayers and realists, I was excited to pursue my dreams of studying archaeology and journalism, with the goal of one day working for a magazine like National Geographic, which is one of my very favorites. Though already somewhat humbled, good scores on AP tests and the SATs gave me great confidence in my ability to go to these schools.
Fast forward to today: I'm at home, going to a local branch college of a university that I have very neutral feelings towards. I do not have a solid major plan in line, and I can't seem to make a decision for the pressure I feel being put on me by just about every adult (it seems). I have made absolutely no new friends at school (though I have become closer with some previous school friends). When my friends got excited to share their adventures at our reunion tonight, I realized that I had not one real exciting story to tell about school. Instead of feeling calm at home, I feel restless and dissatisfied and like I don't have the time or means for rest right now. So, every time I take time out for me, I feel guilty, and if I don't I feel unhappy. Despite having a tuition bill of just around $1200 and so not currently having any debt, I have no money for me because my job is slow, I've been unable to work a lot lately, and I didn't make a lot over the summer. Since I am 18 and graduated, I'm supposed to be living by my own schedule, but instead it seems even worse because I'm still on the exact schedule because of having to drive my little sister around everywhere. I feel like my parents want to keep me home for the convenience of having me home and being a second/third parent (and of course also because they love me). I feel like staying at home, even just for this long, has gotten me so stuck in a rut that the thought of being here for another year just scares me. I'm looking at other schools, but because I'm still not sure what I'm doing, even that seems less friendly and open than a year ago. I feel like I'm in a dark room, fumbling around trying to find a lightswitch, but I can't even find the walls yet. And it's terrible. I'm so sick of this in-between feeling that hasn't gone away with the coming of college. I'm supposed to be enjoying every day of my life, but instead they're just..passing. And if you knew me personally, it would probably scare you to hear that statement, because that is not how I am as a person nor how I usually live my life.
Well, they say the first step to solving a problem is acknowledgement, so, there ya go: I'm not currently happy. I've got a lot to change, and hopefully I can gain some clarity soon and sort out the mess inside my brain.
Anywho, I'm so glad to finally see my best friends again tonight, my whole family for Thanksgiving, and everyone from my extended home family to go pick out our Christmas tree on Friday :) :)
I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, and I encourage you find something you're thankful for, not just on Thanksgiving, but every day, because I promise you, there is always something good, always something to appreciate :)

TGIF

Well hello! .....again. I apologize, I really was going to be more regular about this, I swear! Ah well, at least I'm on again. And, glad to say, I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere in the quest to figure out what I'm gonna do with myself!
For starters, I want to say how I finally did something big for myself recently, and it was great: I drove to and visited my best friend at her awesome college! This was a big deal because: a) it was like 2.5 hours away, and I'd never driven that far solo on an unfamiliar route before, b) I miss herrrrrr, c) it was relatively expensive to do so, and I finally had enough money in the bank to accommodate a trip of this kind, and d) I finally got to be on a real college-y campus and experience college life!! Oh, it was great, I loved it. She's on a very idyllic campus and everyone was so friendly and awesome and I loved the atmosphere.
So, being on a nice campus and seeing what life is like made me really think seriously about my situation, and motivated me to actually look into switching my major and/or schools. So, today's the big day that I change my major! In looking at my friend's college, I found a few things that I hadn't seriously thought about before--neurology and speech pathology--that interested me, as well as (!!) the one I was planning on switching to anyway: geology! (I'll keep neurology and sp in the back of my mind for now (I've been very interested in the brain lately), and see how I feel about them in a few months or so) Needless to say, I was psyched, and the fact that I had another option for a school later on to switch to really motivated me to solidify my thoughts. So, today, I'll be seeing my adviser in the afternoon to make the switch once and for all, and be rid of environmental science!
The fact of the matter is, changing a major is a drastic change to make, as it could cost time and money. However, it seems that my classes I'm already taking will at least mostly count for geology, which is good.
Changing my major to this is also drastic because, my school being a branch campus, I can't finish it here at home. So by changing it and sticking with it, I am deciding that I will have to switch schools by junior year, which is scary. However, I am doing college right by living at home and going to cheaply, so really, I'm pretty well off. After years of being scared by the idea of debt, I'm finally taking the leap--just in an educated way. With the knowledge I have now, I won't go to a school that is insanely expensive unless I have tons of aid, and I'll have time to do adequate research before I do any switch.
So, this is a huge step for me on the journey to having the life I dream about, and I'm so happy about it! :)

In other news, it is time for me to find another job, and quick. Now, I love the people at my current job, but I don't like the actual job, the restaurant is slow so I don't get many hours in the limited amount of time that I can work, and I've had to request off a lot lately anyway.
So, probably this weekend, I'm planning on going around on a job-search/applying frenzy, in order to have myself on the offering plate before all those kids return from college for Thanksgiving and snatch up the good jobs! I want to find a job that I'm excited to go to and that will be interesting. Fingers crossed I find a good one this weekend!
Can anyone believe how fast this semester is going by? I sure can't. It's already November 9th! So, I'm trying to take more time for myself each day, and so far it's going well :)
For example, since one of my classes was cancelled today, I'm gonna finally work out, take a nice long shower, do some studying for Monday (I work ahead now! it's so weird haha), make myself a nice lunch, go to class, meet with my adviser to change my major, and then have a night at home and probably watch some stuff on Netflix (I've recently (finally) really started to get into Doctor Who, and I'm on the second season and love it!).
Also, anyone else just loving this crisp, cold fall air? It's the best!

I hope you're all well and you're having a lovely Friday! :)

Finally back

Hi all,
I am so so sorry for my little hiatus! I just let life get the better of me for the past couple weeks. The last week especially with exams all over the place, the death of a family friend (and a round trip of 1000+ miles plus the funeral in only 26 hours), and the visit home of my older sister from college left me a bit out of breath. But, today I'm taking a breather and getting back into the swing of things.

For one, I finally went out to a store for the first time in ages. Though I'm living at home, I'm still not working much due to my school schedule plus I owe my mom some money for my phone and car insurance, so I haven't spent barely anything in the past few months. I'm not one who needs to shop all the time, but I do love to get something new every once and a while to spice things up, even if it's small. However, I'm realizing that I seem to be running my wardrobe thin over the past year or two, and I'm lacking in a few central pieces like good skinny jeans, black pants (for everyday), a good white tee, good cozy sweaters, a couple nice dresses, and black shoes. So anyway, today I went to the store with my dad and sisters to look for dresses to wear for my cousin's wedding in November (how is that already so close?!), and it just felt so nice to look at pretty clothes and shoes and bags and everything. and, I found a really nice light gray wool sleeveless dress (below). It's great, and versatile! I love that store and Marshall's for pretty clothes without such a hefty pricetag. So, I think one day this week (either tomorrow or Friday), I'll leave home a few hours early and go out to the stores for a few hours before I go to school, and see if I can't find a few nice things to build my wardrobe back up around! I'm so excited! :)

 T.J. Maxx, $19.99!

Another thing I got done was to finish cleaning my room at my dad's house, finally. It's been a mess for a while but now that it's finally clean, oh it's great and it feels so fresh and open :) At my mom's it's still an absolute pigsty..but I'll work on it this week! I really need to sort through all my clothes and really get rid of some, because I feel like I don't wear half of them any more and it's so bad! So, that's one thing to work on this week. I love neatening my room if I'm in the right mood, so hopefully soon I can really get some work done! It leaves me with such a nice feeling afterward, like I can finally think clearly and focus.

Also, lately I've been really into makeup. Over summer, I literally only ever wore mascara. But lately, I've been using concealer under my eyes (lack of sleep is starting  to show unfortunately), a little eyeliner on bottom, mascara, a little eyeshadow, and even a little bronzer for highlighting. I found a YouTube channel, beautycrush, and I just absolutely love it!! Her name is Sammi and she's from London, and I love her style. It's definitely a bit more forward than I would wear around (my town isn't very fashionable at all haha), but I've been trying to incorporate more fashionable things into my everyday and to try to look a little better in general. I love it! Putting on makeup is so fun when you see what it can do, and I finally understand why people take the time to do it all the time. I still have days where it's just mascara and a little concealer--or nothing if I'm at home--but I do try to step it up more often. It feels nice to look good.

Well, I promise that I will update more often from now on as I manage my schedule better, and I should be putting in pictures more often as well!
I want to say a big thank you to everyone who reads these!! I feel so honored that my thoughts were worth your read, and so I'll try to keep things interesting for ya :)

Have a nice, restful night, and a great day tomorrow! :)

Crack in the Armor

I'll be honest, I've gotten my fair share of lucky breaks in life, and I'm not used to dealing with failure. However, I've recently found that I cannot rely on my brain alone if I want to succeed. I actually failed an exam. In college. I cannot believe those words are true, but they are, and it's completely my fault. When things come up that I don't like, I divert and avoid, I hide behind anything and everything until I escape completely. However, apparently biology doesn't work that way. I did everything I could, literally, to not study for this exam. I pushed it farther and farther down my list of priorities until suddenly, I hadn't studied, and it was time to take the test. I tried, but due to crazy construction on my route to school, I barely made it to class on time and was still worked up. If I had simply sat down and read over my notes even, I would have done worlds better, but I realized that with about 10 minutes before I had to leave for school.
So now what?
Well, in all honesty, I have to conquer one of my least favorite things and actually go talk to my professor. I can't explain why, but I am not one to go for help. At the very worst situation, I'll ask a peer. He's already giving us fifteen possible bonus points since the class average for the test was a 51%. However, I need to talk to him about my possibility of staying in his class. Why pay for a C right? But at the same time, I'm so ashamed of my failure that I want to do nothing more but stay in his class and right my wrong. I feel like dropping the class is avoiding the issue and is humiliating. It's a shame that the drive to succeed is coming five weeks into school, but I know that I really can succeed if I put my mind to it here.
I am kind of notorious for not matching intent with action. I have so many dreams and plans, but I don't always follow through (for example, my plans to post something about fashion last week...sorry!). That is my thing to change in myself from now on.

On the plus side, I see beauty every day as the leaves change and two of my friends come home this weekend, so hopefully that helps my loneliness, at least temporarily. Also, tomorrow my Poppop turns 92! He's one of my absolutely favorite people on the planet, he always has a piece of advice to give, and he always tells me to follow my heart :) Tomorrow morning I'll try to sit for a few quiet minutes and just clear my mind. I really need to think about what's best for me, despite what anyone else says. There's too much chatter about it lately and I feel so muddled.

Also, on the subject of music, someone you NEED to know, is Lights. Her music is a wonderful version of pop/electronic, but not overwhelmingly so at all! Her new album even involves dubstep in a way that I swear can be enjoyed by anyone. And some of her songs are so sweet and beautiful. She's been around for years and my has she grown, it's incredible to watch because she's still such a wonderful, down-to-earth person. A couple tracks I really love are Drive My Soul, February Air, Banner, River, Last Thing on your Mind, Where the Fence is Low, Saviour, and Toes. I probably forgot one, but anyway, check her out!! Also, make sure you look at her acoustic stuff, because holy crap it can be even better than studio sometimes, she's just so talented!


The picture is from somewhere in Ontario on one of the most beautiful mornings I've seen.

Have a good night everyone! :)

You Can Breathe Now

Anyone recognize those lyrics? Jack's Mannequin. One of my absolute favorite bands everrrr. And I got to see them in April (this was literally on my bucket list) and it was just amazing, such a great show :)
So! Speaking of those lyrics, I had a very busy weekend and day, and I was feeling down for a lot of it because I had two big things hanging over my head for school, but now that they're over and I've gotten to sit down and unwind and recharge for a bit, I feel loads better :) For one, I've been wearing sweats for like four solid days now that the thermometer hovers around 60 at the most. I feel like I've forgotten how to dress for fall and all of my warm clothes have disappeared! But, by catching up on my Man Repeller (my favorite blog, check her out now if you don't know her. She's like the best friend you always wanted who makes those really daring clothes acceptable by wearing them out first with full confidence. She inspires me with no matter what she writes!), I feel ready to dive into fall fashion and looking good. I said at the beginning that I'd post stuff about fashion, but I haven't yet, I'm sorry! I promise things like outfit posts and posts about certain trends will begin hopefully tomorrow. 

Currently, I'm still working on trying to figure my life out slowly but surely. One positive thing I have done is begun saving. I went out for coffee with my friend Ally the other day and she told me how she saves coins and 1 dollar bills. For the coins, anytime she buys something, she always takes the full change for it and empties her wallet into a big piggy bank when she gets home. She has been able to save up almost $300 for concert tickets this way! She'll also do the same things for any 1 dollar bills she gets, and she just keeps them in a stack on her dresser and adds to the pile all the time with the same results! With this in mind, I emptied my wallet of coins and ones...and then wondered what I should save for. Was there anything I really wanted that I could realistically save for? I pondered this for a day or two when suddenly inspiration struck and I was looking up flight prices from here to London, England. I have no idea if that's actually where I'll go or even what I'll end up using the money for, but that's what my mind said to do. When I went to Europe 3 (3?!) years ago, I flew into London and it was beautiful and I figure I'd like to at least have been in the airport  before if I'm going abroad. Now, these are no cheap tickets: the round trip will cost me somewhere around $1200, for just the flights! However, this is a start, because I know that I really want to go there someday.

It feels good to finally have something solid planned. 

Well, I s'pose I'll go finish up my (better) homework (Spanish, Art History, and American Studies), neaten up my room, and pick out an outfit for tomorrow! Have a great night, everyone needs a good night's sleep!

"Keep in the sunlight!"

Ben Franklin

Me, Myself, and I

I'm lonely. I've been lonely all week. I was going to post earlier in the week, but I've also been kind of swamped with life and school work. As the only one of my close friends to stay at home for college, I felt kind of left behind. My school has two boys in every three people, which I didn't mind, but now I'm realizing that this poses a difficulty for me in making girl friends at college. It's making me sad, and I don't like it.
I said in my first post that, if it was up to me, I probably wouldn't be enrolled in college right now, and I've been meaning to elaborate on that point. Last year, things seemed good. Being a smart girl with good SAT scores, I was told I would have my pick of schools; I could go anywhere I wanted. So, I applied to a few very big-name schools, two of which had sent me a lot of promotional mail: University of Chicago, George Washington University (these two sent me the mail), and Cornell University. Now, I said I had good SAT scores, but they weren't perfect. I was about on par with the average at at least GWU, but still, in this day and age, it seems like you need to be a lot more above average than I was if you want to go to places that I'd dreamed about. I applied in the end of November, then sat down for the nail-biting three and a half month wait. As winter went on and my friends began getting into dream schools, I got more and more nervous for the months ahead. Then one afternoon in early March, I got my first disheartening online rejection letter, I think from GWU, and then shortly after from U of Chicago. I then convinced myself that while I had been excited about those schools, I could live without them, and hey, maybe I could still get into Cornell. As the next two or three weeks went on, I built my hopes higher and higher for Cornell. Finally, on judgement day, I got that same short rejection email, and I broke. That was one long night. I cried for hours, and my spirit really just broke. I talked with my dad for hours about my hurt as a future I'd felt was promised to me disappeared, right in front of me.
The real problem of the situation was that it was two or three days until April 1, and I had no options at all. With my three dreams gone, I had to come up with a new plan for whole future in just a couple of weeks. I whipped up a couple applications for cheaper, closer schools and sent them out a week or two later, then I waited again. It turned out that, for the college I'd considered away from home, there were two colleges with similar names in one town, and I had applied to the wrong one. While there might have been time to reapply for admission, the housing would be relatively nil at this point, so I gave up on the idea of leaving home. However, finally, I got a positive reply. The local college, a branch of Penn State University, had accepted me right off the bat. Finally, I had an option, even if it was nothing like I'd planned or dreamed of.
However, now, with my spirit beaten and bruised, I now wasn't sure of the institution at all. On that night in March, my dad had told me to figure out what I really want for myself and to do it. He provided the option of my staying home from anything and just working and saving up my money for a while, then buying some means of travel, like a sailboat, and traveling the world self-sufficiently. Even now, this dream sounds amazing. However, on the other side of my decision was my mother, who is really the reason I'm in college right now. She insisted that I at least begin college somewhere cheap, like at home, and just live a home to keep costs down while I studied a variety of things and tried to figure out where my heart lay. My dad agreed with this as being a good idea, and so it happened that I sent in my deposit and now I'm in school with a major in Environmental Science and a minor in Spanish.
The only thing about this whole plan, is that, this past summer, I was barely home and so didn't work much and had just barely enough money saved up to get me through the year. I'm working on the weekends now just to keep up with life, and even though I'm living at home and have scholarships, there is still $3000 a year that I don't have covered. My first semester was free to me because of some money saved up over my life by my parents, but, write one single check and there it goes! Life is so expensive, it's insane. I don't even have enough money now to get me through my year because of a change in cell phone plans and some unforeseen expenses with school. My dreams of study abroad over spring break or even in my fourth semester seem bleak at the moment, which just kills me, because those are really my truest dream.
Here at home, my family doesn't quite understand my predicaments, and literally every member is so busy with high school or extra college that we barely do anything like we used to. I hate it, I miss the simple nights. Also, I hang out with a few friends from high school while a college, but they're boys or people that I was never super close with. I really am an outgoing person, but it's seemed like everyone already knew each other or didn't really want to become close with me, so I'm alone a lot of the time at school. Which is really hard, because I tend to internalize things normally when I have close friends around me.
Well, time to do some studying so that I actually can pass the biology test I don't care about on Monday (my apathy is bad because this class is required for my major...). I need to get my rear in gear and clean up my schedule and my rooms and my head so that I can figure myself out a bit. I am trying, it's just hard is all. Well, good luck to you in your weekends!